Quite frankly I’m tired of hearing about the Glass Ceiling and Pay Equity. If for one moment I had the attention of every North American woman, I would tell them about another ceiling, one that is far more hidden, insidious and dangerous. I will admit that I’m afraid to talk about it. It’s politically incorrect, and I’m petrified of the criticism it will generate. But since I’m now 50, I’ve decided to stop being afraid of the other girls in the playground.
In the past 12 years, I have met dozens of women who want to have another child. But in each case their husbands have said “no” and no it is. It strikes me as bizarre. How could these professional, intelligent and bread-winning women reduce themselves to squirm, beg and cajole when it comes to the heart and soul of their very womanhood? Isn’t having a child every woman’s right?
Why does HE always win?
These women, so incredibly eager to please, so ready to keep the peace at all cost, are suppressing their inner most God given desire. Why?
No doubt they are afraid of trouble if “IT” happens? Or maybe they’re afraid that he’ll stop loving and walk away? Often a good old fashioned case of “I don’t want to rock the boat” is the big stumbling block. But why?
I’ve been observing this modern, phenomena for twelve years. I call her Pathema; the woman who wants more children and is relenquishing her procreative power to the man in her life. Some somen don't even realize the decision was made without them; others are obedient without questioning their husband's so called authority. .
Why is Pathema so afraid to put her foot down just like he has?
I guess men are still calling the shots.
Pathema, your pool soul. I see the pain in your eyes. I can hear the desperation in your voice. Time is running out, and you’ve been double crossed. You stood at the altar; you kept your vows. You accepted this senseless state of suffering, but I can see your desire for more children in your eyes. True love is open to
life… don’t be afraid to put your marriage under fire. God has given you your desire.
Life is good. Procreating is good. Children are good. You do have a choice.
Ironic, isn’t it? Birth control, the hallmark of the women’s movement, the magic potion that was supposed to liberate us, to make us free, has brought a whole new generation of women back onto bondage.
The Baby Ceiling. A modern day tragedy.
7 comments:
Well, I'm not sure it is so simple. I too would have loved to have more children but with my husband being almost 60, he did not feel it would be prudent to have another child. That is a valid argument. Some men, of course, are selfish, they don't want to have to deal with another kid. I think, however, that many men (and women) worry about finances, schooling or homeschooling, housing, etc. And many get no encouragement/support from family.
When a neighbor of mine found out she was pregnant with her fourth, her parents and in-laws were furious. Her father would not talk to her! She was shocked. It was not planned, but as she said "It's not like I'm not married!" The family thought they were irresponsible and the fact the family watched her kids while they worked probably had something to do with it. She had her tubes tied when she had the baby.
It is a shame when one spouse does not want any more kids but trying to force it on them by coercion or "accident" only causes more problems in the marriage and hard feelings and the child can suffer.
Marcy -- I do think the most important thing is to prayerfully discern God's Will. What if God wants the child to exist and the husband doesn't? I am not pretending to have all the answers, but I once met a women at the mall, coincidentally her name was Dorothy... she was a childless widow.... after talking to her for a long time, I learned her husband didn't want any kids because of a heart condition he had when they got married. He died a few years ago, when he was almost 90 years old. She is now a very lonely widow wondering if she did the right thing in listening to him. This is a true story....
I had as many children as I have more for him than myself. So I think it works both ways. I would have been happy with two...okay with three. The five was hard. The six okay for sure enough, but the one more? More than enough. Sometimes the man wants the more and the woman is the one doing all the work and is exhausted on more levels than he can imagine! A better option in my opinion is to come to the agreement together, and with the respect for the teachings of our church, be responsible for the capabilities of the family...and the mother is a member of the family. Yes, if a man doesn't want anymore, and she does, the discussion should be there and maybe she accepts that. More likely, if a woman does not have a child, it is in her control more than his. And her saying "he doesn't want anymore" may just be her way of not saying she is done when of course as a woman she should want more.
This is a sensitive topic, and one that only the individual couple will know the full details of why they haven't left their fertility in God's hands where it belongs. I sense this usually just a part of the bigger issue, you could write another post on how to be a good Catholic when your husband isn't supportive of Catholic teaching. I think when we leave God out of the marriage, then we find all sorts of problems, especially on openness to life. Deciding how many children we should have, is not a decision we should make on our own, its one we have to discern with God, this becomes difficult when one of the spouse's is not open to God's will. I can feel 'Pathema's' pain. This makes me so grateful for the husband I have, one who has a relationship with Christ and is accepting of his will, just wish we had opened our mind and hearts to God, earlier in our marriage.
The more we humans learn about matters of fertility the more stupid we become. We need to just let go ... unlearn family planning all together. Throw away the pills, thermometers, and charts... just pray and love each other, and place your trust in God's providence.
The financial argument is really a joke... we think that the minimum standard for affording a child is a large house, individual bedrooms, fully funded education, new car at age 16, etc... and those are not valid reasons to interfere with pregnancy.
I think that was very well said, from both a secular and a religious point of view.
Pam has a great point - it can go either way. Many men I know would like more children, but their wife says "no". The relationship of the spouses is utmost and by right should come above and before the children.
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